I'm ready for my new family!

Greetings, future servant. My name is Jericho. I'm somewhere between 9 months and 47 years old in dog years, and I'm looking for a human who is emotionally stable enough to handle my particular brand of wonderful, glorious chaos.

What I bring to the table:

• Gravity-Defying Cuddles: I am a 55-pound professional lap dog. I don't care if you're on a Zoom call with your boss or trying to eat soup. My rightful place is on top of you. Prepare to be crushed by affection.
• A Built-In Narrator: Do you enjoy silence? Too bad. I will "roo-roo" my way through life, providing unsolicited commentary on the mailman's suspicious hat, the ghost in the corner of the room, and the existential dread of an empty food bowl. My vocal stylings are best described as "operatic" and "frequent."
• Stupidly Handsome Face: Let's be honest, my looks are what will make you forgive everything else I'm about to tell you. I'm basically a velvet hippo mixed with a supermodel.

Now for the Fine Print (Read: The Dealbreakers):

• I Eat Other Dogs' Confidence for Breakfast: I can have dog friends, but they need to be the emotional equivalent of a brick wall. I'm a pushy, rough-housing, slightly-too-intense playmate. If your dog has anxiety, I will make it worse. I am not a "dog park" socialite; I am a "supervised playdate with my one, very patient friend" kind of guy.
• Cats Are a Hard No: I view them as fast, fluffy chew toys that scream. For their safety and my dignity, we must never coexist.
• Apartment Living is a Joke: I need a house with a yard and a private entrance. The fewer unexpected people and sounds I have to have opinions about, the better for everyone's sanity.

Your Responsibilities as My Human:
You are not adopting a dog. You are taking on an unpaid internship where the main goal is to keep me from becoming a tiny menace. Structure is my love language. Training is my currency. If you leave me to my own devices, I will treat your home like a one-dog demolition derby. My kennel is a non-negotiable safe space for your furniture and my well-being.

JERICHO'S OFFICIAL REPORT CARD

(A Vaguely Alarming Summary of My "Talents")

Bottom Line:
Don't adopt me if you want an easy dog. Adopt me if you want a legend. A hilarious, loving, high-maintenance weirdo who will be your best friend, your shadow, and your personal space invader for life.