Ruh-roh! Your Mystery Machine has a Bruno-shaped hole in it.
Listen up, gang. Are you tired of your boring, monster-free life? Looking for a mystery to solve? The name’s Bruno, and I’m a 65-pound, breathing, cuddling Scooby-Doo impersonator in need of a new Mystery Inc. to call my own.
The Groovy Stuff (Why You’ll Keep Me Around):
Like, zoinks, man—I'm handsome. I've got the ears, the wrinkles, and a soulful stare that will solve the mystery of how all the snacks disappeared from the pantry. My love for you will be as bottomless as Shaggy’s stomach. I am a professional lap-dog, and my primary function is to serve as your personal, 65-pound, ambulatory beanbag chair while we watch TV. My silly, toy-pouncing antics are guaranteed to make you laugh harder than a ghost in a knight's armor.
The Spooky Stuff (The Catch, Man):
This ain't a simple case. I'm the ghost that haunts the abandoned theme park, and you're the meddling kids who have to figure me out.
- The Case of the Creaky Shoulder: I’ve got a permanent limp, probably from a tussle with the Miner 49er. It just means our "chases" will be leisurely strolls, not marathons. I’m built for comfort, not for speed.
- My Daily "Scooby Snack": To keep from seeing ghosts in every shadow, I take a special daily treat (it's Fluoxetine) that helps me be brave. Without it, I'm a quivering mess who's sure the mailman is a phantom. With it, I'm a charming gentleman ready to greet the gang.
- The Clingy Caper: I love my people with the intensity of a thousand "ZOINKS!" I will try to sit on your friends. I will attempt to fuse my body to yours. You must be the Velma of this operation—smart, observant, and willing to enforce some boundaries when I get too mushy.
- The Haunted Kennel: You must use my kennel. I will protest by performing my one-dog show, "The Phantom of the Opera," which sounds suspiciously like a pterodactyl's mating call. It is your job to ignore my spooky ghost noises. This is how we unmask the real villain: Mr. Separation Anxiety. It will be rough, but we'll get through it together.
What My New Mystery Inc. Needs:
- A Shaggy to My Scooby: I need a chill dog pal. Not a hyperactive Scrappy-Doo, but a laid-back friend who understands the art of the nap and can show me the world isn't so scary.
- A Calm Mystery Machine: My ideal headquarters is a calm-ish house. If your home is a constant, chaotic monster chase, I’m gonna have a bad time.
- No Cats. Period: They are the real monsters, and I will not be unmasking them. Their vibes are off.
- A Fearless Leader: I need a Fred—someone who makes a plan and sticks to it. You gotta be the one who can look at my adorable, pleading face and say, "No, Bruno, you can't have my sandwich."
Look, if you want a dog that's already solved, go find a golden retriever. But if you're ready to unmask the sweetest, most loving weirdo who will be your ride-or-die for life, then I'm your guy.
I would have found a home by now if it weren't for you meddling kids... not hitting that "apply" button. Let's solve this thing.
Help us take care of Bruno
