I'm ready for my new family!

Seeking a Human Who Can Handle My RBF. The Snuggles Are Worth It.
Alright, let's get this out of the way. I have a world-class RBF. We're talking championship-level Resting Bitch Face, and I'm not sorry about it. It’s my signature look. But don't let the distinguished frown fool you; I save my super-secret, goofy, toothy smile for the people who’ve earned it.
The Deal (What you get out of this):

The Fine Print (My baggage is designer, okay?):
I'm a sensitive dude with a highly specific list of enemies. We're talking squirrels (mortal foes), people on bicycles (two-wheeled menaces), and puffy coats (what are you hiding in there?!). My bark is my security alert system, and trust me, you’ll always know when a leaf blows by too aggressively.
It takes me a minute to trust new people. I like to size them up from a distance. But with patience and the right introductions (and my foster mom can teach you the secret handshake), I’m all in.
My User Manual (The Expensive Part You Don't Have to Pay For):
Let's talk brass tacks. I'm basically allergic to the planet. Trees, grass, dust, your cat... you name it, it makes me itchy. I've also got a touch of the ol' anxiety.
BUT FEAR NOT. My personal entourage of vets has me on a rockstar regimen of meds and goop that keeps me dapper and feeling fine. And the best part? My current fan club at Save-A-Bull wants to make sure my new family isn't scared off by my bougie lifestyle. I come with a full dowry: meds, training tools, my special fancy-pants food, and a whole support team. You get the love; they help with the logistics. It's a sweet deal.
My Perfect Match (Are you the one?):
I’m looking for a human who gets it. Someone who appreciates a quiet night in over a rager. An adult-only home is my jam, though I might tolerate teens if they understand the sacred art of letting a sleeping dog lie.
A fenced yard for my 5-minute security patrols and sunbathing sessions is a must. I’d prefer to be your one-and-only, the sole object of your affection, but I might consider a dog roommate if they're super chill and respect my personal space. No cats. Seriously. We’re allergic to each other.
Finding my forever home has been a journey, but I know the right kind of weirdo is out there for me. If you’re a patient, loving soul who isn’t afraid of a little personality, then I’m ready for my happily ever after.
Think you can handle this much handsome? Ready to be the person I grace with my secret smile? Then stop swiping and send that email. My people are waiting.